


Blank

by LeRien



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Aromantic, Aromantic Dan, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8351899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeRien/pseuds/LeRien
Summary: "He, Dan Howell a.k.a. Danisnotonfire, was kissing Phil Lester, also known as AmazingPhil.It felt nice. Dan’s heart plummeted. He had secretly hoped that kissing Phil would feel different than kissing someone else. Not necessarily overwhelming but different. But it just felt… nice. Exciting too. But desperately similar to his previous kissing experiences."In a universe when everyone is born with a mark on his wrist, indicating who their soulmate is, Dan's wrist is desperately blank. But does it really matter?





	

**Author's Note:**

> My first contribution to the Phandom ! Kalincka, if you're reading this, I'm blaming you. Hope you'll enjoy it.

Most people had a symbol on their wrist. It wasn’t a tattoo or a scar. They had it from their births and two people with an identical tattoo were meant to be soul mates. Romantic soul mates, that’s it. There were countless films about people finding their soul mates at long last, films intended to make you cry your eyes out but would warm your heart nonetheless.

But there was no film for people like Dan. People without soul mate. People with blank wrists.

When he was younger, he thought he was a mistake. He was sure he will find his soul mate eventually: a nice girl – or a nice boy, he wasn’t that picky – with a kind smile and funny jokes. They will fall in love and live happy ever after, just like in the movies. Maybe his soul mate will have blank wrists too! He was willing to wait.

Later, as a teen, he was still hoping. Some friends of his were starting to date, sometimes people with identical symbols, and sometimes not. It didn’t really matter. As Dan’s mom said, meeting one’s soul mate was relatively rare. It didn’t prevent them to fall in love. Dan figured he could date too.

His first girlfriend’s name was Sarah. She was smoking, but she had cool blue hair and it seemed like a good enough reason to date her. The first kiss they shared wasn’t agreeable. It tasted like cold cigarettes and indifference. Dan wondered what drove him to her in the first place. They broke up by mutual agreement.

After that, he stayed single for a few years, only occasionally hooking up here and there. To his friends, he pretended he was only looking for something serious. Deep down, he was just afraid to miss his shot with his potential soul mate by being with someone else.

His first boyfriend’s name was Charlie. He was smiling a lot and told funny knock-knock jokes. They ended up dating without even knowing how. The first kiss they shared was nice. Charlie smelled wonderful and his hands was soft. Dan loved him a lot – but he wasn’t sure he was _in love_ with him. He liked having him around and he liked kissing him. He supposed that was good enough. But when Charlie broke up with him, tears in his eyes, saying he had finally found his true soul mate, Dan was surprised to find out he wasn’t even disappointed. He told Charlie that he was happy for him and he was.

That was when he started to think something was wrong with him.

He wasn’t patiently waiting for his soul mate, he wasn’t romantically attracted by anyone around him.

He wasn’t yearning for his soul mate, he was yearning the need of a soul mate.

His soul mate wasn’t far away, he didn’t have one.

He didn’t have a mysterious invisible symbol on his wrist, it was blank.

The idea slowly sunk in. It wasn’t easy, freeing oneself from a lifetime of romantic idealisations. Everything became hard, every stupid thing: watching a rom-com, seeing couples in the street, strangers staring at his wrist in shock or casually asking if he had found his soul mate. Above all, there was the feeling of being abnormal, broken. He was missing something, something crucial, he wasn’t able to _love_ correctly.

Youtube saved him, literally. He discovered the platform by chance one evening, and from then, he was gripped. Most Youtubers were wearing a black wristband, to prevent people to see their symbols and therefore to harass them by swearing their symbols looked suspiciously like theirs. One night when he couldn’t find sleep, he filmed a video, edited it and published it in the same stroke. People answered positively and his heart swelled.

From then, he poured his heart in his videos. He was obsessed. He didn’t have a lot of subscribers – he was hardly reaching the hundred point - but he made a point on always providing them quality-content videos. His friends were starting to worry, arguing that he was neglecting his social life. He didn’t care. It was perfect. The achievements in his virtual life prevented him to mull on the depressing abyss that was his sentimental one.

He would have been content if things stayed this way but they didn’t. One day, he woke up with more than the double of his subscribers. Dumbstruck, he searched where they were coming from. He found out quick enough.

AmazingPhil, a popular vlogger that Dan was admiring from afar, had promoted his Youtube channel on Twitter.

“.@Danisnotonfire? How did I not know this channel? Thanks @SprinkleofGltr_ for showing it to me, this guy definitely deserves a shoutout!”

Amazed – pun intended, hardy har -, Dan quickly tweeted a reply.

“Wow, thank you, my dreams are coming true.”

Lame. He had fanboyed shamelessly about the other boy in several videos and now, that was the better he could say?

Facepalming himself, he quoted the tweet to his followers.

“Senpai noticed me!!”

The next second, Phil responded.

“I can see that, you know. That’s cute. DM me :)”

Dan was still debating if Phil was joking or not, the Youtuber followed him. Well, there wasn’t any room for doubt now.

Hesitantly, he opened the ‘Direct Message’ window.

“Hello?”

“Hi!” Phil typed back immediately. “Thanks for DMing me, I hope I wasn’t too creepy, jumping into your notifications like that!”

“Not at all.” Answered Dan, smiling. “I am quite flattered actually. I didn’t think you would notice me. After all, if you saw my channel, you must have realised that I’m something like Phil trash #1.”

He almost immediately regretted his message. Of course, Phil had realised, stupidhead. He was probably contacting him to get a restricting order or something.

“Haha, yes, I thought it was quite funny! To be fair, if I had known you before, I would probably have become Dan trash #1 as well. Actually, I’m planning of becoming worthy of the title ;)”

Dan’s mouth dropped when he read the answer. Was he hallucinating or was Phil flirting with him? Youtube-based flirting, but flirting all the same… But what if-

“It’s a joke.” Precised Phil.

God, Dan was a deluded moron, wasn’t he?

“Could have fooled me ;) Must train hard to reach my senpai’s level!” Checking his watch, he added: “Sorry, I have to dash, or I will be late to college.”

“No problem!” came the prompt reply.

Scarpering quickly out of his room, his bag in hand, hoping against hope not to be late, Dan eyed his phone as it vibrated, his heart swelling once more at the new message.

“Do you have Skype?”

***

Everything about their friendship was weird. Not even one month later, Dan and Phil were almost best friends – best virtual friends at least -, skyping each other basically every night, sometimes falling asleep in front of their screens. Phil was kind and funny and after a few days, Dan became comfortable around him. He was handsome too. More times that he cared to count, Dan lost himself in his blue eyes or became distracted at the sight of his lips, wondering how it would feel to kiss them. It didn’t trigger butterflies in his stomach, as the movies implied it should but it was a nice thought.

Everything about their friendship was weird. But fuck if Dan was going to question it.

“I’m going to move in London!” Phil informed him one night.

“Oh cool, we could be neighbours.” Smiled Dan. “The real life meeting, at long last.”

Phil didn’t answer for a few seconds, looking nervous.

“We could even ended closer that you’d think.” He said.

“… What?”

“Wow that sounded, uh… not at all like in my head, I mean, hm. Dan, would you like to live with me? As a roommate? Would you like to be my roommate? Please?”

“… Your roommate?”

“Yes!” Phil started to ramble. “I found this two bedroom apartment and it’s perfect and I was wondering if you would like to be my roommate? I don’t think I will appreciate to live in a big city alone but I don’t think I could live with a total stranger either, so I wondered if you’d like to be my roommate? You don’t have of course, it’s just if you want, you can tell me if you’re not interested, it was a stupid idea to begin with, but well, I figured I’d ask anyway, you never know what-“

“Yes, Phil.” Dan cut him. “Yes, I will be your roommate.”

The relieved smile Phil flashed him was the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen.

Everything about their friendship was weird. But that didn’t bother them in the slightest.

***

“Hey guys! I finally moved out and this is my new apartment! Wow, newness everywhere, you could smell it! And this is my new roommate and his name is…” Phil moved his hands in the cringiest gesture.”… Dan!”

“Shut up!” laughed Dan. “First videos’ references are off-limit!”

“Says who? Not me.” Said Phil to the camera, wriggling his eyebrows.

The two boys had moved in officially a month prior, but this was the first video Phil made in their new home. They both seemed unable to stop smiling and laughing. Dan was always feeling distracted by Phil’s presence. That probably explained his oversight.

“Fuck! Phil, turn off the camera, I forgot my wristband.”

Sprinting out and back in the room with the precious band of cloth, Dan installed himself besides Phil.

“Okay, you can start again.”

“You’re wearing long sleeves.” Phil pointed out. “The viewers wouldn’t have noticed either way.”

“Yeah, I know but I don’t really feel comfortable without it.”

Phil looked at him, a million of questions in his eyes. At last, he silently brushed them off and turned the camera on again.

“Hi guys!-“

***

Things were becoming difficult. Dan was feeling more and more paranoid that Phil was going to see his blank wrist and in parallel, had the distinct impression that Phil was trying to court him.

It couldn’t be all in his head. There were the occasional touches, and these were bad enough, because he couldn’t help to lean on them – and it was no fault of his, okay, Phil was attractive and he was a ruddy human being. But there were also the double entendre that Phil would let slip now and then. Those were driving Dan _mad_.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like the intention. In fact, he liked it a little too much. But he was convinced that Phil deserved more than that. More than _him_. Because despite all his efforts, he still wasn’t able to fall in love with Phil. Phil deserved someone who could love him properly. Phil deserved all the best things in the world. It didn’t matter that all their relatives and friends thought they were dating. They knew they weren’t and that was what mattered.

In spite of his careful monitoring, Dan didn’t think much of it when Phil told him excitedly that they had plans for the night and that they needed to dress up. He took it for another one of Phil’s eccentricities.

He started to panic when they ended up in this fancy restaurant. When he heard that the reserved table awaited them and saw a two-people-sized table with red petals on it, red alarms were swirling in his head.

He almost didn’t unclenched his teeth during the whole evening, despite Phil’s desperate attempts to make conversation. At the end of the diner, he said, looking at the napkin on his laps:

“Phil, it- it was a very nice evening, really. And I’m flattered but I’m sorry, I’m- I’m not-“

He awkwardly trailed off, determined not to look at Phil in the eyes. When the latter spoke, his voice was quite steady.

“Okay, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I clearly had the wrong idea. It doesn’t really matter, I should have made myself clear from the beginning.”

Without looking up, Dan nodded. They didn’t speak until the next day morning.

“Hello!” greeted Phil, smiling in his pyjamas in front of some anime.

Dan sighed in relief. Things were back to normal.

***

Things were becoming _impossible_. It wasn’t that Phil continued to flirt with Dan. It was that he was flirting with _literally everyone else_. And that was driving Dan _crazy_.

Okay, Dan could recognize that he didn’t exactly have the right to feel jealous. But he was. He had always been, really, particularly with his close friends, so it shouldn’t come as such a surprise. The fact that he wasn’t in love with Phil was hardly relevant. Romantically or not, he loved Phil. And the thought that Phil could love someone more than him was breaking his heart.

He was brooding, feeling horrible – what kind of monster was he to prevent his friend to date with other people when he couldn’t provide it? Possibly prevent him to meet his soul mate, too? – and irritable most of the day.

It was always the same. Phil would sympathize with someone, joke with them, laugh and he, Dan, would throw daggers in his back. Dan was miserable and he was sure it wasn’t healthy.

“You should tell him.” Louise advised him.

Louise, the Youtuber who made their meeting possible in the first place, was the only common friend they have that Dan had trusted enough to share his secrets. _All_ his secrets.

“Telling him what? Ow, guess what, Phil, I can’t be your boyfriend but could you _not_ take anyone else as your boyfriend either and stay with me until the end of time? And ow, doesn’t matter if it’s your soul mate, and that won’t be me, because my wrist is fucking blank and I’m fucking broken-“

“Daniel James Howell, you’re not _broken_.” Interrupted Louise sternly. “Just because you feel differently from most people doesn’t mean you are broken. You put too much into this soul mate rubbish. Life isn’t that simple. Look at me and Matt. We were soul mates but it still didn’t work. Sometimes, it’s just not mean to be because it isn’t what you need. And you can’t know what Phil needs. You have to tell him. To ask him.”

Dan sighed. Deep in his heart, he knew Louise was right. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Admitting his condition to Louise had been bad enough. Telling Phil would make things worse somehow. More _real_.

“I’ll think about it.”

***

“I’m going out.” Phil said that evening.

Dan had thought there was nothing worse that Phil shamelessly flirting with someone else. He had been wrong. Phil shamelessly going out for a date with someone else was definitely worse.

“You’re going out.” He echoed flatly.

Phil frowned. “Dan, are you alright?”

 _No!_ Dan wanted to scream. _I’m not alright. I’m the farthest from ‘alright’ right now._

“Yes, I’m… peachy. Have fun.” He said, turning on his heels, hoping his voice didn’t break too noticeably.

A hand gripped his forearm and he tensed.

“Dan.” Said Phil’s concerned voice.

 _Go away._ Screamed Dan internally with all his might.

“Dan, look at me.”

Reluctantly, he did and immediately wished he hadn’t. Phil was too close, his face almost on his face. Dan had no doubt his longing was perfectly readable on his. Phil’s eyes widened.

“Dan, what-“

He didn’t let him finished his sentence. He lurched forward.

He was kissing him.

He, Dan Howell a.k.a. Danisnotonfire, was kissing Phil Lester, also known as AmazingPhil.

It felt nice. Dan’s heart plummeted. He had secretly hoped that kissing Phil would feel different than kissing someone else. Not necessarily overwhelming but different. But it just felt… nice. Exciting too. But desperately similar to his previous kissing experiences.

“Dan” moaned Phil in his mouth.

 _Fuck_ , though Dan as Phil guided them in his bedroom. _Fuck, I’m going to regret it tomorrow._

***

“Hello?”

“Louise.”

“Dan? It’s 5 AM, why are you calling?”

“Louise.”

“Dan, are you alright? You sound odd.”

“Louise, I fucked up. I fucked up badly.”

A silence answered him before Louise broke it.

“I’m coming.”

Dan was waiting for her, outside his apartment, a jacket on his pyjamas, looking lost and dumbstruck.

“We fucked.” Was the first thing he said, once in Louise’s car. “Jesus on a table, I ruined his date and we fucked.”

Louise blinked.

“Are you telling me you’re fleeing your apartment just after you slept together?”

“… Yes.”

“Did Phil see you leaving?”

“No.”

“Did he wake up?”

“… No.”

“So he had no way to know where you are when he does?”

“I left a note.”

Louise shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re telling me you left your apartment after you slept together and that you made pretty clear that you didn’t want him to date someone else and your only explanation is a _note_?”

Dan cringed.

“I’m not going to lie, Dan, it sounds pretty bad.” _Even by your standards_ was in the air but Louise didn’t say it and Dan was dully grateful.

Louise finally stopped the car.

“What scares you so much?”

Dan was surprised she didn’t sound angrier. He only heard sadness in her voice.

“I’m not his soul mate.”

“He _knows_ that.”

Dan stared.

“How could he know? I never let him see-“

“For god’s sake. Did you ever mentioned soul mates to him? No, don’t answer that, given your own issues, you probably never did, but didn’t you notice odd reactions when someone else dropped in the subject?”

Dan frowned. He was pretty sure he has never heard soul mates mentioned to him and Phil – mostly because he avoided conversations on this subject like the plague – but now that he thought of it, Phil hadn’t ever seemed pretty eager on the subject either. When soul mates were explicitly told about on TV, Phil would swap channels. When someone asked him, on an interview or casually, he would laughingly brush it off and distract his interlocutor. It had never bothered Dan much but…

“What are you trying to say, Louise?” he asked slowly.

“It’s not my place to say, Dan. But you should talk to him.” She restarted her car. “I will drop you at your door, shall I?”

***

“You left.” Phil said.

His hand was clutched on the note, Dan noticed. Squinting your eyes, you could almost make out the words.

_Urgency came up. Sorry didn’t wake you up. Don’t wait up for me. Don’t worry._

“I left a note.” Dan answered uselessly.

Phil ignored that. Dan couldn’t blame him.

“You left. I didn’t think you’d come back.”

Dan was feeling guiltier by the minute. He awkwardly put his hands in his pockets.

“But you came back.” Continued Phil. “Why?”

“Why did I leave or why did I come back?” asked Dan nervously. “Joking, joking!” he hurriedly added as Phil frowned, unamused. “I left because I- I was scared, I expect. I’m, I mean, I’m not-“

Seeing Phil’s impatience growing, Dan finally stretched his wrist to him.

“Look.” He said. He didn’t think he was able to say more.

With a distinct lack of interest, Phil rolled up Dan’s sleeve and stopped when he saw his blank wrist.

“Oh.” He said.

Dan hold his breath. He could almost see Phil’s brain silently working out the truth and the answers.

“Please, say something.” He whispered.

Phil’s hug took him completely off-guard.

“Idiot.” Phil said. “You should have told me.”

“Told you what? That I was a freak?” Dan hadn’t intended to sound so bitter but well, too late now. “That I had no soul mate and will never, ever? That I wasn’t your soul mate? That I was broken, unable to love?”

“You’re not broken.” Interrupted softly Phil. “You’re aromantic. Only aromantic people have blank wrists. And it doesn’t mean you don’t love. It means you don’t love romantically.”

“How can you know that stuff?”

“I… I went to a group of people with… with difficulties with soul mates and symbols. That’s how I learnt about it.”

Dan tilted his head, confused, feeling something was eluding him.

“I still don’t- Wait, are you too-?”

“No, I had a soul mate.”

“But-“

“We met in high school.” Phil looked frankly at Dan’s eyes, effectively shutting him up. “We immediately _knew_. High school sweethearts, can you think of something more cliché? Everything seemed so wonderful then. So simple.” He wearily smiled. “It was an accident. A stupid accident. Mark was coming home late in his dad’s car – he had just had his license – and a truck hit it square. He didn’t make it. The doctors said he probably died on the spot. Nobody could have done anything.” He closed his eyes.

“It hit me hard. I thought I would never be able to love again. And then, I started to love again, and it just became _harder_. I felt like I was betraying Mark because how could I forget him, replace him so easily? And I felt I was betraying my lover too because I just didn’t love them the same way I used to love Mark. It was unfair for both of us so I broke up. But it drove me crazy. So I got help.

I won’t say it was easy, but I accepted that I will never love anybody as I loved Mark. It doesn’t mean I can’t love. But it will be different. It’s not a bad thing. Everyone is different.

So you see, I don’t care if you can’t love me ‘the right way’. If ‘the right way’ means the way soul mates love each other, I can’t love ‘the right way’ either. I don’t care. You love me, that I know, and it is good enough for me.”

Dan opened and closed his mouth repetedly.

“I love you.” He finally said.

Phil’s smile seemed brighter than the sun. “I love you too.”

***

A year passed. Dan and Phil were ‘together’, whatever this ‘together’ covered for them. For strangers, they took the _boyfriends_ label, it was just easier to skip embarrassing questions and avoid pointless flirting. They were good for each other and that was enough for them. They didn’t need to define their relationship more precisely.

Sometimes, they went on dates. Sometimes they slept together. Sometimes they kissed. They knew they were exclusive. And that was the end of that.

At one panel, a fan asked Dan why he persisted to wear a wristband in public when Phil didn’t bother anymore and he obviously found his soul mate.

“I didn’t find my soul mate.” Laughed Dan.

Under the table, he intertwined his fingers with Phil’s.

_I just found love._

END


End file.
